


songs about lauren | camren non-au

by jaureguicabello5eva



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: 5h, Angst with a Happy Ending, Camren - Freeform, Drama & Romance, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Multi, fifthharmony, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:02:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaureguicabello5eva/pseuds/jaureguicabello5eva
Summary: prompt: Camila’s iCloud gets hacked and a folder called “songs about Lauren” is leaked with songs that are well, about Lauren(i saw this at 5hfanfic, but I can’t remember all the songs they wanted on the fic)





	songs about lauren | camren non-au

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: i told myself i’d never write non-AU Camren, but alas, it seems that we all fall to the temptation at one point or another
> 
>  
> 
> p.s.: please please please do not take anything on here seriously. it’s non-AU, but it’s also still very much fanFICTION. i’m begging y’all, don’t comment anything that could start an argument. i’ve learned that people are going to have their opinions and they tend to stick to it no matter what, so for the sake of argument, let’s all just agree to disagree. i didn’t write this to start stan drama.
> 
>  
> 
> p.p.s. I started writing this before I knew of Matthew Hussey so I didn’t know how to incorporate him without it sounding forced so yeah. It didn’t feel right to put him in with Camila just to break them up when they just started dating lol
> 
>  
> 
> now that that’s out of the way, hope y’all enjoy this mess.

 

Camila must be dreaming.

 

It’s the only explanation she could think of for what she’s looking at. Her heart is pounding against her chest and it’s ringing loudly in her ears. She can vaguely register Sofi rubbing soothing circles on her back as she continues to stare at her computer for what feels like hours now, eyes unblinking and body incredibly tense.

 

 

 

 

_Top Trends_

_#SongsAboutLauren    250K Tweets_

_#Camren                      153K Tweets_

_Trump’s scalp              101K Tweets_

_#SzaDeservesBetter    50K Tweets_

_Valentine’s Day           28.3K Tweets_

_Lauren and Camila      23K Tweets_

_Eagles                         20K Tweets_

_Secret Love Song         15K Tweets_

_Happier                       12K Tweets_

 

 

 

Camila continues to stare in shock, her mind racing about the different ways this could have happened. _Did she accidentally move this file out of her locked folder? There’s no way she could have –_ She snaps out of her own frantic musings when she hears Roger’s voice float above the chaos going on around her. Her iCloud has been hacked apparently and Camila cringes at her mistake. She knew she should have just saved it on a flash drive, wrote it down on paper, fucking used a quill and a scroll if she had to – anything to keep it safe from the grips of the internet.

 

It’s too late now though. It’s out there. The one thing she’d kept a secret in the last few months – the one thing that she’d done solely for herself, to help her move on. She figured that if she could let out all of her feelings, every single one that pertains to Lauren that has weighed heavily on her heart in the last five years, in a song or two, she’d be able to move past it. If she could just get these feelings out – she’d be okay.

 

She never meant for _anybody_ to see it. It was just for her.

 

Camila can still hear her LA household enveloped in a mess of damage control and PR solutions behind her. Roger yelling out incoherencies at his phone -  something about denying it – but when she hears her mother hesitantly answer that there are videos too, she feels her heart stop. She’s sure it actually stops for a moment because this cannot be actually fucking happening. How had she been so careless? There’s a silence that settles over them while Roger registers what Sinu had just said before he’s yelling expletives into his phone again.

 

And the chaos resumes.

 

With trembling hands and tears clouding her eyes, she clicks on the top trending topic. The top tweet is by TMZ, the headline reading: _Camila Cabello secret romance with ex-bandmate, Lauren Jauregui, exposed! Click on the links for details._

There are various similar headlines from _Pop Crave, Billboard, MTV_ , and just about any music news site. The brunette goes through all the links, finally letting out a soft sob when she sees video stills of herself – sat on her bed with music sheets all around her, a guitar perched on her lap as she sings the songs she’d never meant for the world to hear.

 

There are only five songs in the file. She wrote four of them while still in the band when she felt particularly overwhelmed by her feelings for the green-eyed girl. The last one, she’d written in the following months after she had left, when she was the loneliest she’s ever felt – having just lost not only the love of her life, but her best friends too.

 

She recorded herself singing all five songs as a way to get it all out. She never even thought about sending any of the songs to be put on her album – she thinks they’re too raw – that one listen and one look at her if she ever has to perform it live, everyone would know right away. _She_ would know instantly. They’d know who the songs are about and they’d get a look into her soul – see how her stubborn heart continues to beat for no one else but the girl she’d met at X-factor so many years ago. People would see right through her heart and she wasn’t ready for that. She doesn’t think she ever will be.

 

So she kept her latest album personal, but not enough to truly see the heartache that lay underneath every lyric and every melody. The brunette kept her deepest feelings to herself.

 

It seems like a lifetime ago since they first met, since the day Camila figures she willingly handed her heart over to the older girl. They had been so young and in love and absolutely _naïve_ to think they would make it – that their love would push through because that’s all anyone ever needed, right? Love was the foundation of a relationship and they _had_ love – they had so much love for one another - so they should have made it.

 

Except that it wasn’t enough.

 

There were insecurities and finding themselves and labelling who they’re supposed to love and management and the label and the fans – they had to grow up and be in love and figure out their lives, who they are, what kind of purpose and role they want in the industry – all under the scrutiny of the world. They were _sixteen_ and _seventeen_ and they had so much to fight against with no one but each other on their side.

 

It was a monstrous task.

 

And they had tried so much, had fought so hard, poured their all into keeping whatever it is they had together: they did what was instructed of them, said what they had to in interviews, played along with whoever they wanted to stir rumors with – and none of it was enough. Not even close.

 

It was easy to bend under the pressure of it all – the pressure to perform well, to appease the fans, to appease the higher-ups – all while keeping their relationship from falling apart. It was easy to turn against one another when they’ve spent the last 20 hours of the day working in the studio, recording song after song with little to no input from the people who had to actually sing these songs. It was easy to tear each other apart for every miscommunication brought on by the stress and the fatigue and the constant strain of loving one another but never getting to show it.

 

It was easy to be angry with one another when their families pulled them in different directions, when the label had varying plans for each of them – it was easy to fight when they were constantly being ripped from each other.

 

Yet the hardest part wasn’t the fights. It wasn’t the insecurities. It wasn’t even management. The hardest part, at least as far as Camila remembers, was loving Lauren so much and not getting to show it whenever she wanted. She loved Lauren without reservation, she offered her entire being to the green-eyed girl and it absolutely tore her from the inside that she had to contain all of her feelings. She knows it was the same for Lauren. She’d see whenever the girl would clench her fists or sit on her hands, play with her hair – anything to keep herself from reaching out and taking Camila’s hand.

 

Their love was all-consuming and it slowly ripped at their heart and the pain agonizingly clawed into their ribcages whenever they had to suppress their feelings. It was so much easier to let go – to give up because they had no one on their side.

 

So that’s what they did.

 

It had been mutual, something they had felt was coming and knew in their hearts was inevitable. They had tried to push it off as much as they could, lived in bliss for as long as their situations would allow. They would hold each other and kiss and pretend that they lived in a world where the very thing that kept them alive – their love – was the only thing that mattered. They would lie together, make love as they explored each other’s bodies, and touched one another with the kind of reverence that only true lovers posses, as if their time wasn’t limited. As if the morning light didn’t bring them a day closer to when they would have to part.

 

But they knew it had to end eventually. Because Lauren and Camila just aren’t meant to be. Not in this universe anyway.

 

 

 

_Lauren looks at the girl before her and she takes in the girl’s features like it might be the last time she gets to bask in them. Her brown eyes are bright under the light of the moon shining through their hotel window, her hair is mussed in the most natural way, and her lips, swollen and red from Lauren’s eager mouth, are curved in a delicate smile._

_They’re laying on their sides, in another hotel room, in a random city in some country they can’t exactly remember -  drinking in one another, a heavy kind of silence settling over them, even as they try to smile through the pain. Their souls and hearts are as bare as their bodies while they try to savor these last few moments of freedom – where they can love without the rest of the world weighing on them._

_“We’ve had a good run, right?” Lauren’s voice is raspy and low and Camila hears it barely crack towards the end of her sentence as her green eyes cloud with unshed tears._

_The brunette shakes her head softly. She has a smile on her face, but it’s full of pain and she figures it’s a way to keep the dam from breaking. “We don’t have to do this, Lo.”_

_Lauren chuckles at that. Even Camila, with all her optimism and bright smiles and seize-the-day kind of attitude, knows this is something that’s as inevitable as the sun rising. The world was never going to let them be together. Not with the label dictating their every move. Not with warring fans within their own fandom. Not with solo career deals. Not with everything against them._

_But it’s okay, Lauren thinks. It’s okay because even if it was temporary, she got to experience what it was like to be with Camila. To be loved endlessly and to love truly. She found herself along the way and she can say that they shared one of the most special things in the world. The kind of love that some people can only dream of. So what if it ends? So what if it didn’t last long? She loved with all her heart and for Lauren, that’s enough. She’s willing to let this go if it brings peace to everyone else involved._

_“I love you,” is all she responds to the brunette, the words falling out of her lips one last time, but with the same amount of sincerity as the first time she told the brunette. She had been a nervous wreck then, feeling like she didn’t know what to do with everything that she felt for Camila. “You’re gonna do great, baby.”_

_Camila lets her tears fall at that as she closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. She moves forward and buries her face against Lauren’s neck, wrapping her arms around the girl tightly as the other girl easily complies, running a soothing hand down her bare back as she tries to calm the girl down._

_“I love you, too. So so much, Laur,” she sobs into the other girl’s neck and Lauren wonders about the fact that the universe is infinite. She takes solace in the possibility that there is a world out there where they could love one another without all the pain and one where she doesn’t ever have to feel Camila cry against her ever again._

 

They had ended it near the end of 2015.

 

Camila’s team had officially turned in paperwork to the higher-ups that delineated her intent to break off as a solo artist with the compromise that she’d still be on the 7/27 album and do the necessary promo and tour for another year. L.A. Reid and Epic’s major players had since put her in the studio with important producers, working on getting her feet wet as a solo artist even as they cast aside the future of the rest of Fifth Harmony.

 

It was a year of miscommunication, tension-filled meetings, and uncertainty for many as the girls fought for different things, each wanting different paths. All while Lauren and Camila were trying to figure out how to live and breathe and just _be_ without one another.

 

Camila watched as Lauren distracted herself from all the chaos by throwing herself into Lucy’s arms, her on-and-off girlfriend? Hook-up buddy? The brunette isn’t sure. She wonders if that was all Camila was to the green-eyed girl after all. Camila had stopped wearing the pearl ring Lauren had gotten her to match the one that was given to her by her abuela when they ended it and she finds herself absentmindedly reaching for where it used to rest on her ring finger whenever she missed the green-eyed girl. Which was quite often.

 

The brunette watched as Lauren got to come out, with the label’s blessing of course, complete with a “leaked” picture that made use of her arrangement with Lucy, while Camila was forced into an image that was more conducive for someone who was about to be launched as a solo artist – an attractive, relatable, _straight_ , female pop star – one that could be paired off with other hot male artists to create the most noise. She watched as the girls distanced themselves, as they all prepared for her upcoming departure.

 

They’d hurt her and she’d hurt them. No one was going to come out unscathed in this whole ordeal. They were all just young girls pursuing the same dream and somewhere along the way, they grew up and grew apart and started to want different things and lost sight of what had kept them together in the first place.

 

In the end, they’re all where they want to be. It cost them their friendship and many more relationships. It cost Camila, Lauren, but she figures things never really work out the way you want them to.

 

So she poured her heart out on those five songs. It’s where she let out everything she kept inside. Because she didn’t have Ally to go to for advice. Or Normani for tough love. She didn’t have Dinah to cheer her up anymore. She didn’t have Lauren to be there for her. All she had was her guitar and her feelings and she thought she’d gotten it all out of her system. Now, as she watches a video of herself singing these songs she thought she’d never have to hear again, she knows all the feelings are still there. She’d just gotten good at hiding them.

 

She remembers writing _Somebody Else_ [a/n: The 1975]. She wrote it after she watched Lauren go out with Luis (and Brad after that) for the hundredth time only for the green-eyed girl to crawl into her bunk later that night, cuddling with her and breathing against her skin as if she didn’t completely hold her heart in her palms.

 

She wrote _Friends_ [a/n: Ed Sheeran] not long after. When she had to let out her emotions somehow every time Lauren looked at her like nothing else mattered, every time the girl was there for her when she was feeling extremely homesick, every time the girl held her when she felt particularly sad without any real reason. All while the green-eyed girl still couldn’t admit that she had feelings for Camila, even as the older girl insisted that she was only doing her best friend duties every time Camila confronted her about what it all means.

 

The brunette wrote _Secret Love Song_ [a/n: Little Mix] after Lauren finally got her shit together and admitted to herself (and to Camila) that she had feelings for the younger girl and they’d started to actually date. Camila remembers feeling the happiest she’s ever been when the raven-haired girl, all nervous smiles and hair-flipping mannerisms, asked her to go on a date. She remembers feeling like shouting at the top of the world that she’s with the most beautiful person inside and out and she remembers feeling a wave of desperation and sadness wash over her when she’s reminded that she can’t do any of that – that, yes, they have feelings for one another, but no, no one else can know.

 

She wrote the song when it felt like her chest would burst with all of the feelings she had for the green-eyed girl.

 

_“Hey Camz,” the green-eyed girl greets nervously as she sits next to Camila on the couch. They’re in their shared apartment in L.A. and the rest of the girls went to a party Camila didn’t really feel like going to. She’d raised an eyebrow when Lauren declined as well and thought she saw Dinah winking at the green-eyed girl at one point before they left and she should have known something was going on from there._

_The dark-haired girl is fidgeting with her fingers and she’s looking anywhere but at Camila, a nervous smile on her plump lips._

_“What’s up, Lo,” Camila asks gently as she marks the book she was reading and sets it down, turning her body so she can face the girl, which seems to only put the older girl on edge even further. She’s flipping her hair now, a tell-tale sign that she’s feeling anxious._

_Camila takes the girl’s hand in her own and gives her a warm smile, hoping to calm her down a bit as she plays with the girl’s fingers. She’s not used to this Lauren. The brunette has always admired, and even envied at times, the girl’s seemingly never-ending confidence – how she can walk into a room and command it with a presence that demands to be noticed. People pay attention to her. They listen without much effort from the girl. And yet the Lauren before her is nervous and Camila is confused and her heart starts to beat harder in her chest._

_The green-eyed girl swallows and takes a deep breath before finally looking up to meet Camila’s expectant eyes. “Um- would you – uh -,” she takes another deep breath and uses the hand that’s not in Camila’s to run through her hair, which looks as messy and as gorgeous as ever. “Uh, would you want to, like, I don’t know, go somewhere with me, like a da- um-,”_

_“Laur,” Camila laughs a little and it’s like that’s all Lauren needed to hear to release the tension in her body. She takes another deep and gives Camila one of her charming smiles, the kind that never fails to make the brunette feel weak in the knees. She’s glad she’s sitting down for this._

_“Would you like to go on a date with me?”_

_Camila blinks hard and fast, her mouth opening and closing on its own accord as her brain tries to process what she’s hearing. Lauren, who’s always denied Camren and even distanced herself from Camila just to avoid the whole thing, is asking her on a date? The same Lauren that would make her feel all kinds of emotions and set off butterflies in her stomach, only for her to turn around the next day and be all over some boy._

_She must have been silent for a while because the nervousness has returned to Lauren’s eyes and she starts to fidget with the brunette’s fingers once again. “Um-,” the green-eyed girl laughs almost self-deprecatingly. “If – if it’s, like, too late or something. I understand. You don’t have-”_

_“Yes,” Camila breathes out because she thinks it’s kind of ridiculous that Lauren thinks she’d say anything other than yes. Absolutely. She’s waited for this chance since she realized her feelings for the girl was more than platonic. “Yes, of course!”_

_The smile on Lauren’s face lets her know that she’ll be saying yes to the girl for the rest of her life._

Lauren took her to a place she didn’t think existed in L.A. It’s a hiking spot that overlooks the city and is fairly hidden deep into the woods. There’s a huge rock near the edge that has become their spot over the years ever since Lauren took her there on their first date and she remembers how they would meet up at the rock whenever they needed a break from the rest of the world, from all the noise that didn’t truly concern the two of them.

 

Camila remembers how Lauren told her that she had spent an entire week of break (when the rest of the girls went home to spend time with their families) trying to look for a spot like their rock place because the brunette had complained that she had nowhere to go in L.A. for some peace of mind. They’d shared many memories there and Camila had even written a song or two while at that special place.

 

 

 _Dive_ [a/n: Ed Sheeran] was written some time in the middle of 2016 – when Lauren and Camila would lapse back into old habits and find comfort in one another’s arms in the dead of the night, sneaking into each other’s rooms and indulging themselves in the kind of passion only the two of them can understand.

 

Camila thinks she remembers Lauren whispering sweet nothings and marking her _I love you’s_ along the column of the brunette's neck, down her chest, and on the inside of her thighs. She remembers that nothing can compare to the feeling of Lauren's body writhing underneath hers, her name never sounding as beautiful as when it falls from Lauren's mouth in breathy moans and whispered obscenities, as she's knuckle-deep in the girl's sex.

 

She also remembers Lauren sneaking out of her room just before the morning light when Camila had done a good enough job of pretending to fall asleep. She remembers seeing Lauren that very same morning in Lucy’s clothes and thinks about how only Lauren can take her to the highest of highs and drag her to the lowest of lows in the same breath.

 

 _Happier_ [a/n: Ed Sheeran] was written about a couple months after December 19 th, 2016.

 

She remembers seeing a picture of Lauren – and the rest of the girls -  and how they seemed, well, _happier_. The happiest they’ve ever been in fact. She remembers thinking that she’s in a good place too. All she’s ever wanted is to be able to share _her_ music and for people to see the real _her_. She’s had to make some compromises to that, but for the most part, she’s getting to write her own songs and the feeling that she gets when she performs them in front of the world, well, she thinks it makes up for the gaping hole in her heart when she remembers she’d lost her best friends along the way. When she remembers that she’s living her dream without the people she’d started on this path with. Without the one person that she’d said she just wants to do all of _this_ with, forever.

 

She’s overwhelmed with the rush of emotions that’s going through her and she stands up abruptly from her seat on the computer, the entire room going still and watching her as she clenches her jaw and tries to speak without breaking down.

 

“I’m going out.”

 

 

 

*****

 

 

When Lauren drags her body into their shared apartment that night and sees Scott Dimig, Epic’s Vice President of Promotions, sitting on her couch with the rest of the girls, whose faces show that she’s walked into something that’s about to turn into a shit show, she briefly wonders if she can make it if she just turns and runs.

 

She’s been out all night, been working out for the last four hours and she’s ready to just pass out. She’d left her phone in the apartment because she wanted to be disconnected from social media even if just for a few hours and something tells her she’d miss something big.

 

She hasn’t been on social media much in the last couple weeks anyway, already expecting to be on many gossip headlines regarding her recent break up with Ty. Things with Ty had ended mutually and quite amicably. Their trip abroad had only made it clear to the both of them that they’re at different stages in their lives and they decided to end things not long after getting back to the U.S.

 

Lauren had enjoyed her relationship with Ty. It was easy and relaxed and she never had to worry about overwhelming feelings, which probably should have told her early on that it wasn’t meant to last. Still, it was a nice reprieve from the all-encompassing sense of feeling like she was always drowning in how much she _felt_ for a certain brown-eyed girl. He had been good to her and her family and despite what some of her own fans had wanted to believe, Ty had been everything she needed at a time when everything felt like things were out of her control.

 

They continue to be friends but have decided to minimize their interactions while the news about their break-up settles down.

 

Right now, the girls and Lauren are staying in their shared apartment in L.A. as they prepare to go on the last leg of their tour before they all finally take a hiatus and work on their respective solo careers. It’s something they’ve expected since Camila left and they have all diligently worked to have a last album in which they poured their hearts out as a group before they start pursuing their own careers. They had been slowly but steadily making career moves on the side to make the transition from being in a group to being solo artists as seamlessly as possible and they couldn’t be happier for each other.

 

She’s brought out of her musings when Scott’s voice floats through the air and addresses her.

 

“We have a situation.”

 

 

 

Lauren sits down and tries to focus as the girls try to gently relay the news to her. Truth be told, her heart had started beating out of her chest once she heard the words “Camila Cabello” and she can only half remember everything that is said after that. Something about songs written about her. By Camila. Getting leaked. She’s not sure how she hasn’t passed out from all of the information Scott is trying to ambush her with and she’s grateful for Dinah when she butts in and tells the man that she’ll brief Lauren on what she’s supposed to do and he can leave whenever.

 

Scott eyes them cautiously for a few moments before taking his stuff and finally leaving, but not before adamantly insisting that Lauren is to work extra hard to not be seen with Camila at all, and if Lauren wasn’t so shell-shocked, she probably would have rolled her eyes. It’s not like she and Camila have been the best of friends as of late anyway.

 

When she’s gotten some sort of hold over her heart rate and breathing, she registers that Dinah is telling what the label wants from her. She’s to stay off social media in the next few days as they work on a PR solution to help calm things down a bit and as her team works with Camila’s people to figure out the best solution that will hopefully leave minimal damage on both their careers. In the meantime, Lauren is to focus on rehearsing with the girls and preparing for their tour.

 

Lauren nods her head absentmindedly when she thinks Dinah has finished and excuses herself to her room, trying not to think about how the girls are looking at her like she’s going to break down any second, and when she makes it to her room, that’s exactly what she does.

 

She thought she was over the whole thing. That ending things with Camila and with the brunette leaving, Lauren would finally get to be free of the one thing that has always made her feel too much and not enough at the same time. And here she is again. Of course. She had been foolish to think she’ll ever be free of all the hurt. It seems like a never-ending cycle where at the end of it all, she still loses Camila.

 

She can’t help it when she goes on her laptop and checks Twitter, forcing herself to continue when she sees that half of the trending topics has to do with her and Camila. She browses through and when she clicks on a video that shows Camila and her guitar, Lauren can feel fresh tears fall from her eyes and with trembling fingers, she wipes her tears away, trying to clear her vision so she can see the video properly. She hasn’t heard Camila’s raw voice in so long, her heart feels like it jumpstarts at the first few notes that travel from her laptop’s speakers and into her ears.

 

It’s just the girl’s voice and her guitar. Nothing else. No production or fireworks or excessive lights and Lauren feels like she’s drowning in all of Camila all over again. Her voice is raw and powerful and filled with emotion, her tone dripping with every pain she’s feeling at the moment. She sits paralyzed as the brown-eyed girl’s voice grips her entire being and holds her in that familiar way that manages to take her breath away and rush air into her lungs in the same second.

 

She listens to all the songs at least three times, taking in the lyrics and feeling her heart break at what Camila had felt while she had been too afraid to deal with her own feelings. And when she had caught up with the girl and finally admitted her feelings, they didn’t have much time left.

 

When she’s cried enough tears for the night, she comes out of her room and the girls are still looking at her with so much pity that she wants to cry all over again.

 

“I’m going out.”

 

“Laur, I don’t think-”

 

She doesn’t even pay attention to who says it as she moves to the door to put on her coat. “I’m not going to do anything stupid,” she turns around and musters up a sad smile. “I just – I need air,” she manages to get out even if her voice cracks in the end.

 

They don’t try to stop her anymore after she promises to take her phone with her and Dinah threatens to round up her gigantic family for a search party if she’s not back in a couple of hours.

 

 

*****

 

 

Lauren really should have known that she wasn’t going to be able to get some time to herself in the one place she’s always sought solace in because the universe hadn’t been kind to her lately. She doesn’t know why she expected anything else really.

 

When she gets to their rock place, her breath is taken away from her for the second time that night when she sees Camila sitting by herself, knees drawn up to her chest, her chin resting on her arms, which are propped on her knees, as she looks out into the night peacefully.

 

Lauren hasn’t seen – like, properly _seen_ – Camila in over a year and she’s almost forgotten just how breathtaking the girl’s natural beauty is. Almost.

 

The way her face is dimly-lit by the bright moon above, and how the city lights dance around her features, highlighting pink plump lips, her high cheekbones and how her long lashes flutter delicately over those mesmerizing brown eyes, Lauren is taken by her in the way she's always been. Her brown tresses are lightly blowing in the night breeze and there's wistful look in her eyes, almost looking hopeful.

 

Lauren wants to turn around and walk back, pretend she never saw the girl that still holds her heart. She really should have. They haven’t spoken in over a year and she doesn’t exactly know how to deal with everything that’s going on as it is. She doesn’t think being in close proximity to Camila would help her in any way at all.

 

But she’s always been helpless against her heart and the way Camila has always had a pull on her. She thinks she didn’t have much of a say when her legs carried her to where the girl is sitting.

 

“Hey,” her voice is rough from crying so much and there’s a tremble in her tone.

 

The brunette swings her head back quickly, her eyes wide as they land on Lauren standing a few feet away. “H-Hey,” she croaks out as she addresses Lauren.

 

The green-eyed girl tries to settle her nerves and gathers whatever strength she has left to come closer and sit by the brunette, mustering up a smile to calm the brunette down. If she thought seeing the brunette again was hard, having those deep brown eyes focus on her just about knocked her off her feet.

 

“I should have known you were going to be here,” the green-eyed girl says with a smile as she looks out into the city. She can feel the girl still staring at her and it’s taking all of her restraint not to do anything stupid.

 

“Um- well, if you want – uh, I can go – I didn’t –”

 

“Camz,” Lauren says out of habit to stop the girl’s rambling. The nickname slams against her chest and she looks over to gauge the girl’s reaction and she can tell that it took her by surprise as well. She tries to reel it back as a tense sort of silence settles over them. “I mean – it’s okay,” she manages to say in a steady tone. “This place is as much as yours as it is mine. It’s fine.”

 

"Okay," the girl breathes out as she directs her attention back to the view.

 

After a few seconds of heavy silence, they speak at the same time, as in sync as ever.

 

“I’m sorry,” they blurt out the same time. They look at each other briefly before bursting out laughing, the tense air lifting from them like the morning mist dissipating under the early light while the sun starts to peek over the horizon, ushering a brand new day.

 

“Let me get this out first,” Lauren says when they settle down and she sees the girl turn in her peripheral, watching her with curious eyes. “I’m sorry for everything,” she sighs out. “I know I’ve hurt you and I’ve apologized more times than is fair to you, but hearing those songs-” her voice trembles as she tries to get herself together. “It’s given me a clearer look into just how much I’ve actually hurt you, and for that, I am _so_ sorry, Camila,” the green-eyed girl breathes out as she turns to meet glassy brown eyes.

 

Camila gives her a smile, the same one she’s always given her that lets the older girl know that it’s okay. Because when it comes to Lauren, Camila has always easily forgiven her. Almost too easily.

 

“I’ve meant it every single time I said it was okay, Laur,” Camila finally replies, fighting the urge to reach out and wipe away the tears marring her favorite green eyes. “And I mean it now, it’s okay. It really is,” she says with her own tears falling down her cheeks. “And let’s not pretend our fights and mistakes were one-sided. I did my fair share of damage on you,” she says with a sad smile.

 

Lauren shakes her head with a smile of her own and finally takes a hand to wipe away at her face for what feels like the millionth time that day. “What exactly are _you_ sorry for?” the green-eyed girl chuckles out.

 

Camila’s smile falters a bit at that. “I’m sorry for all of this happening. For re-opening old wounds, I guess,” she shrugs.

 

Lauren looks at her curiously and there is what looks like disbelief swimming in her eyes. “You’re kind of ridiculous, you know that?” she says with a shake of her head.

 

“Wh-what?” the brunette asks, feeling caught off guard.

 

“You always manage to apologize for things that you had absolutely no part in,” the green-eyed girl responds, a familiar fondness coating her voice.

 

“Yeah, well,” the brunette smiles back, feeling relaxed again at the girl’s tone.

 

Lauren has missed this. Just being with Camila, spending time with her as if the world around them isn’t in a constant state of chaos and as if they weren’t going to go back to the real world in the morning. The girl’s presence has always done wonders to her state of mind, allowing her to let go of her problems and just focus on the girl beside her.

 

Camila has always been able to ground her, to steady her ever-racing mind, and to wrap her in a sense of serenity that has helped the green-eyed girl hold onto her sanity in the years that they shared the spotlight under the scrutiny of the media.

 

She’s missed having Camila as her anchor.

 

She figures it’s only fair that she indulges in this moment, even if just for a few minutes. She’s taken out of her musings when Camila speaks again, her voice carrying a sense of uncertainty that sends a chill down Lauren’s spine, feeling like whatever she says next is going to break her heart for the millionth time.

 

“So,” the girl clears her throat and keeps her eyes ahead of her. “Roger sent me how they’ve planned on dealing with this whole thing.”

 

Lauren takes a deep breath and turns to the girl. “Okay,” she prompts the girl to go on.

 

Camila swallows and turns her head, her eyes sad when she lets out her next words. “They’re going to send out a press release statement, complete with a pre-written statement from me, detailing that the videos and songs are authentic,” she pauses and takes a breath and looks down at her fingers. “And they were part of the process of me working on my album, but that-” she looks up again and this time, her eyes are searching for something in Lauren’s. “Whoever hacked my iCloud had manipulated it to make it seem like it was part of a folder called, _Songs About Lauren_ , and that the songs actually have nothing to do with you,” she finishes.

 

Lauren schools her facial expression to stay passive and nods her head in silent acquiescence as she tries to process Camila's words. She thinks she's doing a good job in hiding her heart break when her voice comes out steadier than she expects. "That sounds…good," she settles on the word, even as it sends a piercing sensation through her chest. "Wouldn't want the Camren shippers to get the wrong idea, right?" she chuckles without a hint of humor.

 

"So, you're okay with it?" Camila asks, her tone hinting at something Lauren can't quite bring herself to look into. She's learned that hope is a dangerous thing and she's not willing to dive in headfirst only to be burned again. She figures she's had enough heartbreak to last for this lifetime.

 

“I mean, yeah,” she shrugs. “It seems like it’s the best way to quell any rumors and we can move on with the rest of our lives, you know?” she says with a sad smile as she meets Camila’s expectant eyes. “I’m sure they have a prepared tweet for me and I can reprise my role as the number one anti-Camren person in the world and all will be right again,” she finishes and she can see how the words seem to be a shot through both of their hearts.

 

She looks away and turns her attention back to the city before them, willing herself not to cry even as she can feel herself falling apart.

 

She wonders if the pain will ever end.

 

 

*****

 

 

It’s been a couple of days since this whole leaked songs fiasco has blown up and things haven’t died down in the slightest. New stories and speculations continue to spread as theories and even more made-up scenarios circulate the internet while Lauren and Camila’s teams both get ready to send out their statements the next day.

 

As Lauren had expected, her team has prepared a tweet for her to send out at the right time and it’s meant to clear up any confusion about the current state of her relationship with Camila. No, they’re not together. They’ve never been together. And they’re both happily moving on with their separate lives amidst the recent rumors.

 

She's on her third glass of whiskey as she sits on one of their lounge chairs on the balcony of their apartment, watching the moon and wondering if Camila is doing the same thing. They've always had this thing, where they feel less lonely whenever they're in the company of the moon. During the nights where they were apart when they were still dating, they'd talk to each other over the phone while watching the moon at the same time and it'd feel a lot less like half of their hearts were miles away.

 

She’d been lurking on Twitter and she wishes she hadn’t been so stupid, so now she’s trying to drown out the pain. She hears the sliding door behind her open and close again, hears Dinah settle next to her and watch her cautiously as she keeps her attention on the moon. It’s the only thing that’s keeping her from breaking down once again.

 

“You feeling okay, Laur?”

 

Lauren pointedly ignores the question as her mind races with what she’s recently seen on Twitter.

 

“You know,” she says instead, her green eyes getting cloudy as her emotions start to wash over her. “I’ve read just about every type of comment there is about ‘Camren,’” she says as she quotes the word with her fingers. “And it’s interesting, really,” she continues as she looks up to meet Dinah’s concerned eyes. Her eyes are filled with an overwhelming amount of sadness and what Dinah can see as utter helplessness.

 

“So, there are, like, three main groups that concern Camren, right? Stay with me, okay?” she tells Dinah with a humorless chuckle. “There are the Camren shippers, you know all about them,” she nudges the girl playfully but the blonde just continues to watch her silently. “Then there are Camila’s fans. And finally, my fans,” she breathes out as she tries to steady her voice.

 

She takes a deep breath and clenches her jaw as she blinks hard and fast, trying to keep the dam from breaking. “And it’s weird because they’re three very different groups, but there’s this sense of like-” she furrows her brows and sets the glass of whiskey down so she can use her hands to gesture in the air. “Agreement,” she settles on the word with a snap of her finger. “There’s this general consensus amongst all of them that Camila and I - that we’re-” she looks away and her voice cracks under the weight of her emotions, filling her chest and suffocating her from the inside.

 

“That Camila is too good for me,” she finally breathes out, the tension in her heart growing as she lets out her sentiments. “That I’m a bitch and she’s too nice for me. That she can definitely do better. I’ve seen these comments from my own fans, Dinah,” she says as she meets Dinah’s eyes once again.

 

She looks down and a small, sad smile forms on the curve of her lips. “So If I ever forget that I don’t deserve Camila,” she says with pain coating her voice. “If I ever fool myself into thinking that Camila and I could actually be happy together-” she takes a shaky breath in an attempt to calm herself down. “I have the rest of the world to remind me that no, I don’t actually deserve her.”

 

“Because me and Camila,” the green-eyed girl continues, the brunette’s name falling from her lips with nothing but the kind of warmth that Dinah has always associated with Lauren and Camila. “We don’t get to be together,” she shakes her head at the thought. “Not in this world anyway.”

 

“Laur,” Dinah finally speaks up as she takes Lauren’s hand in her own and as the tears finally fall down the girl’s cheeks. “They don’t know _anything_ about you two and what you’ve gone through. How you’ve fought with everything you got,” she tries to tell the girl earnestly. “They don’t know _you_.”

 

“And when has that ever actually mattered?” the green-eyed girl replies as her tears continue to fall. “It hasn’t. And that’s how I know this is the right thing to do. Camila doesn’t need any more drama in her life and neither do I. We’ve spent a long enough time fighting for something that was doomed from the start.”

 

Dinah doesn’t know what else to say to that because she knows the girl has a point. She’s seen her best friends get broken and torn apart and absolutely _destroyed_ trying to fight for their love and she doesn’t know if all the pain is worth it.

 

She takes Lauren into her arms and lets the girl cry as much as she needs, hoping and praying that Lauren and Camila come out of this with minimal damage to their already tired hearts.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 Lauren hasn't checked social media all day, not intending to do so until she has to post the prepared tweet at the time she was instructed to do so. She knows Camila's team is supposed to send out their statement first and then she's supposed to respond an hour later. She doesn't want to bother with seeing the reactions to the initial statement until she absolutely has to.

 

So when she can’t open her Twitter app without it crashing in the next second, and sees she has three missed calls from Scott and a ton of messages from family and friends, she gets frustrated. Can’t she just get this whole thing over with already?

 

She’s about to check her messages when the rest of the girls burst out of their rooms and gather around her in the living room.

 

“Holy shit!”

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“This is insane.”

 

They’re all talking at once while they sit down, staring wide-eyed and mouths open at their phones. “Have you seen Twitter?” Normani finally addresses a confused Lauren.

 

“I mean, I want to,” she gestures to her own useless phone with a frown. “It keeps crashing on me.”

 

“Here,” Ally offers her phone gently and Lauren takes it cautiously, noting that it’s open on the Twitter top trending topics. She braces herself before looking over the list. It can’t be any bigger than the leaked songs, right?

 

 

 

 

_Top Trends_

 

_#CamrenIsReal            252K Tweets_

_Lauren                         127K Tweets_

_Camila                         97K Tweets_

_Red Gerard                 55K Tweets_

_#SongsAboutLauren    25.2K Tweets_

_I love her                     22K Tweets_

_Black Panther              18.7K Tweets_

_Winter Olympics         10K Tweets_

_Russia                         5K Tweets_

She clicks on the top trending topic with shaky fingers and her heart jumps into her throat. The first thing that comes up is Camila's Twitter, everything else after that is a retweet or an article about the recent statement she's published.

 

She clicks on the statement and wills herself to focus and not pass out.

 

 

_Dear everyone,_

_I guess I’ll start by saying, I love her. I always have, and I have a strong feeling, I always will._

_These last couple days have been difficult, emotionally-charged, but most of all, it’s also been freeing once I’ve decided to be honest with myself. I felt exposed and vulnerable when those songs were leaked. They were never meant to be seen or heard by anyone. Not even Lauren. Especially not Lauren._

_I wrote those for me. As a part of my healing process, as a way to move on and get rid of some heavy feelings, so I can get on with the rest of my life. What these last few days have made it beyond clear to me and my heart, is that I haven’t been successful in getting rid of these feelings at all. I’ve only managed to bury them._

_Yes, those songs are about Lauren. I wrote them when I felt too much and had no other outlet. Lauren and I, we fell in love when we were only sixteen and seventeen. We had to figure ourselves out under the spotlight and with everyone watching our every move. It was an uphill battle from the start and we had tried with our best, but in the end, we were fighting with forces that were bigger than the both of us. We ended up hurting the people we love, our fans, and most of all, we hurt each other._

_So we ended it. For the sake of saving whatever was left of the two of us and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live with in the last couple years._

_I guess this is me coming out. I love who I love and I don’t feel the need to label myself. I love my fans and I want to be honest with you all. You’ve been with me through everything and you deserve the truth._

_I’ve decided to let this all out and I’m sorry for not letting anyone know about my plan. Not my team, not my family, not even Lauren. But I know Lauren has always wanted to keep us a secret as a way to protect me. She was always willing to take the brunt of all the criticisms, all the hate, just so I won’t have to deal with it, and I guess it’s time that I step up for us. For her._

_No, we’re not together and we haven’t been in the last year, but I hope that we can use this opportunity, the chance to start anew with nothing but honesty between us two and between us and the fans, to repair our relationship._

_Even if all that means is to get our friendship back._

_More than anything, I miss my best friend. I miss having that one person that I can always depend on and just be myself when she’s around._

_I am eternally grateful for everyone who’s taken the time to hear my side and as scary as this new chapter of my life is going to be, I’m facing it with my head held high as I finally get to be true to myself._

_A reminder to everyone who’s reading this, you are loved and if you’re ever in the same situation as me, I hope you can find the strength that I know is in every single one of you, to be true to yourself._

_Love only,_

_Camila_

Lauren reads over the note at least three times before handing Ally’s phone back to her, the girls looking at her with a mixture of caution and happiness. She knows that they’ve always rooted for her and Camila but they have also witnessed, front and center, everything they’ve gone through and she can tell they’re not sure how she’s going to react.

 

She stands up abruptly and takes her phone with her as she walks to the door.

 

“I’m going out,” she says and there’s a sense of déjà vu, but this time around, she feels lighter, as if she’s about to head out on a new beginning while the girls just look at each other before Dinah nods and responds for everyone.

 

“Say hi to her for us,” she says with a smile.

 

Lauren smiles for the first time in what feels like forever, a smile that’s genuine and her heart fills with so much happiness that she has these girls for life.

 

“Will do,” she says sincerely before she turns and leaves with one destination in mind.

 

 

*****

 

 

When Lauren gets to their spot and sees familiar brown locks blowing gently in the wind, she swears she feels her heart swell with emotion.

 

“How did I know you were going to be here,” she says with a small laugh as she moves to sit down by the girl, who doesn’t flinch in the slightest with the new company. Something tells Lauren that she’d been expecting her.

 

“Well, it took you long enough to get here,” the girl quips back as she turns her head to meet bright green eyes. There’s a smile on her face, it’s light and carefree and Lauren thinks she’d do anything to keep that smile.

 

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Lauren says fondly, her eyes focused on the girl. She can’t bring herself to look away, afraid that if she does, she’ll wake up and this will all have been a dream.

 

“I think it’s about time I do something for me and not necessarily for the label,” she shrugs casually, as if she hadn’t just caused the biggest stir in the pop industry, coming out and proving Camren in one fell swoop.

 

“What happens now?” Lauren asks and there’s a hint of uncertainty in her tone. She knows what she wants and she thinks she has an idea of what Camila wants, but she guesses that years of pain and heartbreak will tend to always leave her on the cautious side.

 

“Well,” Camila breathes out as she gently reaches out and takes Lauren’s hand, interspersing their fingers delicately and smiling at just how well they still fit together, even after all these years. Lauren’s eyes get caught on the girl’s ring finger and they fill with unshed tears when she feels the cool metal of Camila’s pearl ring against her own fingers. “I meant everything I said,” she says as she looks up to meet Lauren’s gaze. “I still love you. I don’t think I ever truly believed that I’ve moved on, despite what I kept trying to tell myself, and I think,” she continues as her eyes fill with tears of her own. “We deserve another try. We were never given a fair chance in the first place anyway.” She takes another deep breath before continuing. “Only if you want to, of course. I just thought I’d lay it all in the open,” she says unsurely, her voice dripping with insecurity.

 

Lauren breathes out a shaky laugh, her heart filling with so much happiness and love and _hope_. She’s tried to move on in the last couple of years, has wanted nothing more but for her heart to be free of Camila’s hold. But now - now she’s looking into her favorite pair of brown eyes and all she sees is love and honesty and _vulnerability._

Camila is laying her heart out in the open, offering it to Lauren without reservation and asking for them to try again. They’ve been in love since they were only teenagers and now they’re a little bit older and a little bit wiser. A bit more jaded and damaged, but just as in love as they’ve always been.

 

This time, she figures that they’ll fight harder. Fight together instead of against one another. They’d give themselves a real chance and Lauren would be damned if she lets the love of her slip through her fingers once again.

 

She pulls Camila closer by the hand that she’s still holding and leans forward, the girl’s breath warms against her lips as she tries to steady her heart enough to speak. “I love you, Camila. I always will. And if you want to try this again, I’d jump with you in a heartbeat,” she finishes before she leans in and connects their lips softly.

 

The kiss shoots an electrifying sensation down Lauren’s body as she’s reminded of what it feels like to kiss Camila, to feel her every emotion with a simple touch of their lips. Her heart soars in her chest and all she can feel is _Camila Camila Camila_. Lauren is drowning in Camila all over again and she thinks she wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

She’s used to this feeling. She’s used to feeling powerless against Camila’s hold and she’s used to the staggering force of how much she _feels_ for the girl, but this time around, it’s laced with a delicate wisp of hope and new beginnings.

 

She has a feeling in her chest, a permeating sense that thrums deep within her cells, that this time around, they’ll get to fight fairly. They know themselves better, they’ve grown over the years, they’ve learned what it’s like to be without one another, and Lauren thinks – she _knows_ – that everything they’ve gone through up until this point – all the heartbreak, the pain, the joy mixed with constant insecurities and doubt – all of it have helped them become better people. Stronger individuals. Better at love. And this time around, they’ll get to love one another with damaged, but unyielding hearts.

 

 

\---

 

 

They’re lying on their sides, facing one another, bodies slick and spent, hearts filled with unbelievable happiness and eyes glimmering with a light that’s brighter than the moon shining through the window. It’s all very familiar and new at the same time.

 

They’ve done this a million times before, lying together and just basking in each other’s presence. But this time, they’re filled with a feeling like they can conquer the world. That for once, their love for one another is enough and nothing else truly matters.

 

Lauren gently brushes a stray brown lock from Camila’s face and tucks it behind her ears, giving the girl a soft smile and a tender gaze when the brunette flutters her eyes for a moment and a slight shade of pink dusts her delicate features. “So, we’re doing this, huh? My phone’s been blowing up for 48 straight hours now,” she chuckles softly.

 

Camila reaches up and takes Lauren’s hands from her face, opting to intertwine their fingers before kissing the back of it and bringing it to her chest lightly. “There’s nothing I want more in this world. As for everything else, we’ll deal with it later. I kind of just want you all to myself for now.”

 

Lauren’s smile grows on her face and she can’t help but lean forward and capture Camila’s lips in her own, relishing in the fact that she can do this again. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too,” the brunette responds without missing a beat. It’s as if her body and her mind and her soul don’t know how to respond in any other way but to give love when it comes to Lauren.

 

It’ll always be a resounding _yes._ An automatic _I love you, too_. A persistent _I forgive you_. All of it is unyielding when it comes to the green-eyed girl. She doesn’t know any other way.

 

“So,” Camila starts again with a slight smirk, her features showing a hint of mischief that makes Lauren raise an eyebrow. “Columbia Records, huh?”

 

“Camila,” Lauren groans as she turns her head and it’s the older girl’s turn to blush. She buries her face into the pillow while Camila’s laugh fills the room.

 

“Aw, baby,” the brunette coos as she tries to get the green-eyed girl to come out of her hiding. “Hey, look at me,” she says a bit more seriously. When the girl finally meets her eyes, she continues. “I want you to know that I’m proud of you. I’m proud of _all_ of you. That you all finally get to do your own thing too,” she says with a smile. “You’re all meant for greater things.”

 

“Yeah?” the dark-haired girl’s voice is hopeful and just a tad bit unsure.

 

“Of course,” the girl responds immediately. “You know,” she starts with a smile. “I created a separate Spotify account to listen to all your guys’ music, together and as solos,” she laughs a little at herself and looks down shyly.

 

“Yeah, well,” Lauren says as she uses one hand to tilt Camila’s chin up so she can look into them. “I’ve had my Spotify on private since _Bad Things_ came out,” she says with a cheeky smile.

 

Camila’s laugh is carefree and easy and everything Lauren has missed these last two years. “You’re ridiculous,” the girl responds in between laughs.

 

“But you love me.”

 

“I do,” the brunette replies as her laugh settles down.

 

They both lean and can’t help but smile when their lips connect softly. Lauren tastes happiness and security and Camila’s laugh in their kiss and she can’t help but feel like she’ll go through it all over again if it means she gets to end up with Camila like this. In love and fighting and just – _happy._

 

 

 

*****

 

 

The End.

 

 

****

 

**Author's Note:**

> a/n:
> 
>  
> 
> i’m almost afraid to ask what y’all think, but let me know anyway?
> 
>  
> 
> as always, feel free to vote/give feedback/leave a comment if you feel like it
> 
>  
> 
> also, happy Valentine’s to everyone! hope y’all let all your loved ones, whether it’s a significant other or your family or your friends, know that they’re loved and hope everyone has a great week!
> 
> wattpad: jaureguicabello5eva
> 
>  
> 
> -Maddox


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